I moving accounts.

I'll keep tabs on this on,but otherwise EH, ITS DEAD.

That's all I gotta say, so whatever.

BTW, I'mm not in pain, I"M HAPPY. SO HELL YAH.

New Account:

To be..um..thought up..will add when I doez yo.

And We Are Drained Of Our Colors.

Who I was, months ago, two infact, I don't know, what I may have said, what I may have done are all a blur to me. If I've done or said anything to anyone that upset them, I apologize..that is if you deserve the apology.

I'm lost these days, drifting in and out of sadness, happiness, and anger, sleep and each day. I don't know who I thought I was, and I don't know who I think I am...guess I gotta try again.

But its hard, because almost everyone is a stranger, and no one is familiar anymore, but that's okay, forgetting is good.

I just wish I could remember what I did that made people so happy. :c

Garetluff, Harubi-sama, I apologize for neglecting you guys, I owe you wishlist stuffs and LOTS of talkage.

I apologize to Nicoleluff, Kwehluff, and Kupoluff too for neglecting them as well as Dani-kun for not talking to her nearly as much. D;

I don't know where I am in this point in time, or where I'll be..I'm dreading highschool, even though I'll be seeing all my off the comp friends again, I know I'll be misunderstood again, feared, hated, picked on, and avoided again, but hopefully talking to you guys 'll cheer me up like it has. ;D

I also apologize to Nacht-sama, who i owe so much to, and I'll pay my high debts {AKA, ze guilt of not much talkage or giftage because SOME people didn't allow me too. ;-;} as soon as I can.

I had mental testing done today and I'm afraid of the results, I don't want to know or hear them. NO. I.DON'T. -covers face with shirt and sticks fingers in ears-

Hopefully today will end soon, and hopefully I won't remember what happened today at all...I'll forget in a while, but I want to forget FASTER.

To those of you who are my friends; you know who you are, and no, I don't mean if you friend requested and I accepted, I mean if I SPEAK to you.

And Mandeh, I'm sorreh for not speaking to you much either...

That's all this preternatural disaster has to say, death in a pair of shorts signing off..




In space the stars are no nearer
Just glitters like a morgue
And I dreamed I was a spaceman
Burned like a moth in a flame
And our world was so fucking gone

I'm not attached to your world
Nothing heals and nothing grows

Because it's a great big white world
And we are drained of our colors
We used to love ourselves,
We used to love one another

All my stitches itch
My prescription's low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today

In a world so white what else could I say?

And hell was so cold
All the vases are so broken
And the roses tear our hands all open
Mother Marry miscarry
But we pray just like insects
And the world is so ugly now

Because it's a great big white world
And we are drained of our colors
We used to love ourselves,
We used to love one another

All my stitches itch
My prescription's low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today

All my stitches itch
My prescription's low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today

In a world so white what else could I say?

Because it's a great big white world
And we are drained of our colors
We used to love ourselves,
We used to love one another

All my stitches itch
My prescription's low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today

All my stitches itch
My prescription's low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today

In a world so white what else could I say?

-{Marilyn Manson, Great Big White World}

Its Sunday, I Despise Sunday. Not for the fact that its suposedly holy {If you're christian, catholic...maybe protestant..}, but for the fact that it is considered a day of rest for many, and always on it I'm completely restless.

Last night and most of this morning has proved my theory.

I have been up since 11:00 pm Saturday night, it is currently 8:22am.

No sign of rest in sight.

All my watchers can seriously,
| GO | DIE | <0<

You're probably just there out of sympathy, or cause I decided to watch you.

You KNOW you are. <o<

So, now that my psycho moment is over, down to business.
This is my recent journal entry on a reply to someone else's journal entry that was also a reply {odd I know} on Subeta.

Have fun reading all about me...writing stupid supportive junk...or is it supportive?


Leave Me For Dead, And Let Me Go

Music HIM - And Love Said No
Mood- x-x


I recently read Slipknots' journal, which seemed to be in reply of another's, { I really can't recall who's, but I know it started with an A, x-x} and in a way I can relate to that I suppose, but I what I really have to say on the matter is not at all plain, nor is it lacking of thought and heart.

I can't say I'm in the same position she is, though I've recently discovered I'm anemic myself. Though, even though I've been diagnosed with it, nothing has changed for me, so I suppose its something I've always had an never noticed. Misery is nothing new to me, nor are the very short sentences and words people use to try and console others, though they know really they say that only because they can think of nothing else to say. All one can really do is hold onto oneself and, if you can't lean on friends or family, find someone who you can even if it takes you an eternity, you can't keep it all to yourself, because eventually through holding it inside you will no longer be what defines you.

I have various ailments, both mental and physical, everything from chronic depression, to lung congestion {I've almost gotten bronchitis three times this year, and once or twice I did get it and had it for a month to a week,} to of course, Anemia. I'm diagnosed with a new one and put on medication each month and I have more doctor visits than most people will have in their entire lives, and I am not by any means strong.

I mope often, don't look on the brightside of things, and am ultimately negative, very self destructive, but its what I've grown used to, because, eventually, after one lives a certain way, they become adapted to it. I've been living like this for...about six years, and being fourteen, to me, it seems a very long stretch of life I've wasted adapting to the way I am.

I'm afraid the furture, the past, every moment I can think of has at least had a little discomfort, but its how I am, who I am, and even if its very hard to understand, or as easy as reading a few chapters from an open book, its really all I've ever known and all I can remember. One day what ails her might pass, might worsen, and she'll have to adapt to that.

There's always the hope that something will happen I suppose I'm trying to say, that something or someone will come along and help you right your future. Truth is, sometimes you need that miracle to come along and help you, to bring you back to yourself from the bitterness, and every so many years I've gotten one.

My miracle now is my new psychiatrist, and she's closer to me than any friend. She sits listens, doesn't pry and doesn't put me in a position where I've got to do this or that, but where I can. I can sit and say nothing at all, I can sit and speak the whole time, and for her it would never make a difference. She keeps her distance, and I keep mine, and she stays close without going to far, she's my current miracle, someone I am completely compatiable with.

There's always going to be a miracle, that may have good or bad affects, depending on the person, and those who surround them, but its up to the person to look, not too hard, but to look, and to search, because you never know who or what might be listening next time you cry, laugh, or smile.


And there's my extra-long rant that will make your eyes bleed.
~Nicholas

You know how you sit and your desk...or in your class...wherever , whenever you're alone? Yous ti there and think...GOD...my life is awful...because I made it that way. Or you just think its awful or sucks. Well someone else made my life suck...and I've just kept making it suck..thinking it was hell...then I read this...and it made me think...man I'm pathetic CRAP.

From:
Subeta journals.
Journal owner: Balet
Journal title: Confession

I spend all my time writing and drawing now. I'm escaping reality, like lots of people. But reality is me. I am not an unhappy person. I am not unfortunate. I take care of my rabbits. But mainly I roleplay.
I'm home schooled now.
People told me long ago that I'd end up in a school where they would tie me down and force me to learn. I believe they were serious, but it didn't happen. I wish it did. I wish someone strapped me down to my chair and took away my dignity to educate me because in the end the consequences were worse than I ever could have imagined, or I was too naive to believe it.

I am 17 now and still as dull as a second grader... no wait... I'm not sure how much they're supposed to know. I can fake it on the internet by researching. I do that constantly. I spell check everything I type. I can't spell 'receive.' I learned what a circuit was less than two months ago. Two years ago I learned there's 50 states in the US and not 52. I also just learned how to make pancakes.
I'm behind in my maturity level. I still throw tantrums... or anxiety attacks... whatever you want to call them, but it's basically me overreacting and whining/sobbing like a little kid.
I have no excuse for any of this. I refused to be taught because I'm lazy and have low mental stability. It's not an illness. It's the way I am. I don't like it and I probably could change if I made an effort.

I used to hurt small animals when I was very young. I don't now why, and I hate myself for it. I killed the class pet in preschool. I hurt my friend's cats and to this day have a scar on my ear where it scratched me.
I was expelled half way through kindergarden.
From first to third grade I had an aid, My behavior was so despicable. If I didn't get my way I'd run away. I met with the principal many times, and I remember him chasing me. All my teachers and the people at that school (except for the principal) were very nice. I liked my teacher, but for reason beyond me I poked her with a pin once. I moved and went to a different school from third to fourth or fifth grade... In that school I had a number of different aids. The teachers and principal were not fond of me. They said some stuff behind my back, but no surprise there. I made two friends who were sisters, but their parents thought I was a bad influence. I haven't spoken to them in years and don't miss them. I was given privileges because otherwise I'd threaten to run out into traffic or something, knowing the school was held responsible and would have to give me what I wanted or restrain me. I have been restrained too many times to count. I should have listened. Now I'm paying the price. I can never go back. It's too late. I used to tip over my desk, and I threw a shoe at my teacher. I threw a lot of things. I never did homework. After that school I finally went to a special school. The staff were all very nice. I met someone at that school who changed my life. As badly as I behaved she behaved worse, and to her that was better. We were on the bus once and she didn't like someone who was on a motorcycle, so she opened the window, leaned out and yelled 'You're a freak!'
I wouldn't say something like that, but she was so happy, and it was touching in some sick way. She listened to a lot of music. I started listening to music after that. We used to sing on the bus... she'd sing really loud, but she went to a foster home. At that school, instead of acting out I tried competing (in a way) to be an honor student, and that's what I became. But sadly the school was closed. I went to a special education class at a middle school. I hated that school so much. Most of the students in my class were mentally handicapped (how do you even say it). Most of the kids spoke Spanish, so we learned the difference between 'their' and 'there' and other things like that all day. My teacher gave us a goal to do 100 worksheets a week and we practiced flash cards until we could answer in less than a second. From then on I hated math, not sure why. I didn't meet anyone special at that school. I didn't bother. I just slept on the bench or in the dirt during recess. I had something else on my mind. It was around that time that I started making up characters in my head and stories.
Here's a serious confession... Balet was a character I drew when I moved in with my grandparents. I never did much with the character other than dumb kid stories. I was having bad dreams a lot. I thought more about Balet. I made her a Mary Sue with all of the most awesome abilities. I used to think about what it would be like if I vanished off of Earth and was replaced in her body. During recess I had my eyes closed and was submerged in a fantasy life. I started to dream that I was Balet, and with that the bad dreams went away. I still dream that I'm Balet, but now only when I'm asleep.
Sometime around being at that middle school I was upset about something and got out of the car when my grandmother was somewhere else. I left and got myself lost. I wanted to get somewhere but didn't know how to find it. Six hours went by and I had walked at the wrong time. I ran to avoid being hit by a car and someone called the police. I was pretty stupid. I sat down and talked to a women, and I guess I wasn't thinking clearly when she said she needed to make a call and would be right back. Not long after a policeman came and drove me somewhere. I said goodbye to my grandparents and was hospitalized for a week. Ironically I was planning to be in Hawaii that week.
I remember being home schooled sometime between then and the next school. The next school was another special school, but this one was worse. I knew three people in that school who I had met at the other school. One was a girl I was friends with, but she changed. She had a million friends and was always talking about babies, boys, and parties. The other girl also changed, and I already didn't like her. The third person I liked, but it didn't matter since at this school you weren't allowed to talk to anyone out of class or without being monitored by staff. One of the things I remember was that we weren't allowed to say 'Bless you.' There was a book of rules and consequences. I learned to hate that school. I would leave class and lay down on the lawn all day. They never did anything about it except suspend me (in school suspensions) and that was basically the same thing. I stopped doing my schoolwork altogether.

So there you have it. I messed up my life... and I'm only 17. I've got to be one of the most fortunate people out there since everything is going okay.

I kind of lost my idenity..no..not legally...I've been thinking a lot...and the me I founded myself on is kind of gone now...so I don't know who I am... just know I'm Nikky.

Not like I'm going anywhere....what's the point of leaving if you'll never be missed..? Am I right?

Anyhow...I'll be writing seldomly...I'll still be doing whatever the heck it is on here...till fate takes me away.

To make a longstoy short...there will be more poetry...some sketches and drawings...and I'll post a few pics of me to go wit my poetry too...




I'm lying to myself,
And this dagger is my excuse.
I'm apalled,
I should have paid up.
And I left an hour late,
I was laid up.

I must abuse myself,
I'm against all that I've made up.
Set in stone, the sun will come,
And I hate light.
You know I hate light,
Dont make it look so pretty burning.

Burn the sun,
Burn the light,
Take take take take take take it away.
Take my hand,
Take my life,
Take take take take take take it away.

I must have caught something,
In the heat of all these dances.
I'm a worm with no more chances,
And I've lost all doubt,
In a chemical romance.

I guess I'm bitching,
At the thoughts of tarnished hope.
It's kind of funny,
The only feeling,
I’m not in love,
You know it’s not love.
Don't make it look so pretty burning.

Burn the sun,
Burn the light,
Take take take take take take it away.
Take my hand,
Take my life,
Take take take take take take it away.

Burn the sun,
Burn the light,
Take take take take take take it away.
Take my hand,
Take my life,
Take take take take take take it away.

Brothers and sisters,
I'm right here with you,
Cause everyone's got one.
I started to kill me,
I'm so apathetic in my resentment.
Living, loving, knowing this...

Take my hand,
Take my hand,
Take my hand,
Take my hand,

Take my hand,
Take my hand,
Take my hand,
Take my hand,

Take my life,

Take my heart,
Take my mind,
Take my life,

Take my life.

Burned inside,
Burned alive,
Take take take take take take it away.
Take my hand,
Take my life,
Take take take take take take it away.

Burned inside,
Burned alive,
Take take take take take take it away.
Take my hand,
Take my life,
Take my life,
Take my life...